Yesterday my watch told me to stand up.

I was already standing.

So, I sat down and stood up again.

It was only later, when I thought about it, that it struck me in any way as odd.

My urge to be obedient to my watch is a strong one. I don’t want it to be cross with me. I don’t want to let it down. I want it to find me impressive.

I know.

Utterly ridiculous.

But in my head, there’s a little creature, I think it wears spectacles, who lives in my watch and has dedicated its life to judging me.

Of course, I don’t really believe that.

To believe that would be crazy.

However, clearly something in me is conditioned to do as I am told. To such an extent that I go out of my way not to annoy the watch creature, I think it has a very thin head, who has devoted its being to keep me in line.

It makes me think of all the tethers that bind me. Tethers of feeling; guilt, shame, a desire to be liked, a fear of being judged. Tethers attached when I wasn’t looking, knotted at the ends by parents and teachers and systems. Tethers made to buzz by the platforms and algorithms that hold me in a state of compulsion to post and like and like and like and post and share and like…

But I think there is another thread.

More than a thread.

This one is a rope, thick and strong. I can hold it in my hands. I can let it drop at will.

Because, what I notice when I respond to the little creature, I think it wears a smock, that lives in my watch, is that it is all about me.

I am visualising something that cares how many steps I do a day. Why would it? It’s just a watch.  I am visualising a load of people scrutinising my posts and giving them thought. Why would they? They are busy worrying about their own offers. I am visualising being cancelled if I say what I think. Upsetting people if I say no. Being judged if I don’t hit perfection… and I think that 9 times out 10 people don’t notice, and they don’t care; they are too busy with their own concerns. The people who matter to me have got my back even when I am as far from perfect as it is humanly possible to be.

So that is the rope. It is my preoccupation with my own sense of self. It is handy; you can loop it around external validation. You can lasso approval. You can tie down perfection. If you feel like it you can wind it round yourself so many times, that you can’t possibly make a mistake, I mean if you can’t move then you can’t put a foot wrong.

Or you can let go of it.

Unattach from seeing yourself through other people’s eyes.

From needing someone to confirm that your thoughts and needs are valid

From measuring worthiness by the amount of people that you can say yes to.

Oh no… I ‘ve got to stand up. The little creature, I think it smokes a pipe, who lives in my watch, just told me to.